im looking for a change in scenery...

orangyskier @ 2006-02-01T13:09:00

2006-02-01T18:14:35Z

procrastination is the only reason i ever write in this thing..... classes suck.... winter sucks... money sucks.... boyfriends are fun.... drinking is fun.... new music is awesome. send me new music to buy.

-me

of course

faces change but the story remains the same.....

2005-08-17T20:58:26Z

well i havent posted in awhile. i guess ive been actually doin stuff with my life. yesterday i moved to yet one more new apt. its nice and looks right out into west village quad... plus wollastons (grocery store) is right downstairs... SWEET! ive been working my ass off at the hospital. putting in a lot of long nights and long days. i really like my job even though im actually cleaning up shit. but the hours are starting to weigh on me a bit (and my social life). i cant wait till im an actual nurse! ive made the step and actually have a boyfriend. hes so good to me and truly makes me happy. hes practially the only person ive really made time for with my crazy schedule. i went to maine and saw whit. shes leaving to go abroad soon. i cant believe were not going to be able to talk till christmas. o well. im sure it wont seem like that long since the past 2 months have flown by. but thats pretty much all thats going on with me... so i guess things are going well.... alittle crazy but well. :o)

i need a rest from everything that i am....

2005-05-17T04:26:19Z

im wide awake. i dont have much to talk about. home is ok.... boring... cant wait to visit dave in boston and see everyone! i miss jenny and heebie and sue and michy a lot. its weird when you get into a routine with the people you live with. i hope everyones around when i go to boston. i hope we have enough time to do everything. im starting to get really excited about working at NEMC. ive jsut been so lazy and doin nothing lately. its gonna be such a nice change to be able to work and make money. im excited about being able to not be cheap about stuff. i hope i can save enough money. this is my first of 3 coops. my second one i want to do down in dc and my third back in boston. then i want to travel for a month after graduation. i have all these ideas and plans and being home is just holding me back. june couldnt come soon enough. i really wanna visit jess in hawaii sometime in july or august. dont know if i can swing it cause i have to ask for time off already.. going to the shore with dave. it feels good to move on but i still get freaked out about completely ending things with past people. i guess its ok to miss a person youve loved and been with for 5 years. im just not use to having to keep that to myself and not being able to check in. this is probably the best thing for me but its hard sometimes... sometimes i wish they could really do that thing on eternal sunshine, but my experiences have made me me. and i do like me. who knows. alright im done.... night

ive got my philosophy....

2005-05-09T21:53:49Z

yesterday i turned 20.
i had a lot of fun last night.
it was good seeing keenan.
it was better gettin wasted with stef.
got my roommates today for fall...
kinda lucked out...
i got the kinda'normal' one as my actual roommate...
we'll see how that works out.
damn people that arent on facebook.. haha
felt kinda loved yesterday.
thanks to everyone that called or wrote... :o)
still been feeling alittle lost lately.
i just cant figure out where i want to be and with whom
some people are so understanding.
others can bite me.
been drinkin a lot lately.
red bull and vodka is yum...
i heart my family.
ok im done being random.
happy happy spring.

as you lose me you win....

2005-05-04T15:14:39Z

i hate second guessing myself. i dont know if im sure about anything anymore. when someone shows a glimpse of the real them its hard for that not to affect you emotionally. its 11 11... if only wishes really came true. this isnt good.... this is why i cant say yes. theres something wrong with me...

if youd let me have my way i swear id tear you apart....

2005-05-02T16:04:22Z

went to see ani last night with my sister...
it was a great concert.
for her final sond she played 32 flavors.
i was hoping for both hands but at least it was an old one...
anyways. it seemed more fitting for how i was feeling
im for the first time in my life letting my past go and starting something new.
i wish i could make everyone understand why i do what i do
but i dont even understand it myself.
i dont think this will help but i hope you understand...

i'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way
no, i will never be a saint
but i will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

this probably means nothing to almost everyone but i guess i can write what i want in this thing whether people who read it understand or not....

i wish for one more day to give my love and repay debt...

2005-05-01T00:11:30Z

its kinda a dreary day... went to go get new jeans cause all mine are getting worn out and they didnt have my size in long. i hate being tall sometimes. going to see ani difranco tomorrow with my sister in buffalo... kinda excited about that. i have been a fan for years and havent seen her in concert so im pretty excited...got sushi and tempora for dinner with my fam. thats always a good time except i leave feeling over stuffed. i miss boston a lot. going up to visit over memorial day weekend. i think what i miss the most about school is how theres always someone around to chill with. i feel really lonely at home. i convince myself that "no ones home yet" but really when people get home i pretty much just hang out with stef and jess. i hate feeling like theres no one i can call to chill with. i guess i really just miss the people that have become my best friends. i was so excited to get home and get away and ive been home a week and i want to go back. the weather here sucks. most of the people suck. unpacking really sucks. its just a blah day i guess.

if i bring alittle music i cant fit right in....

2005-04-24T05:40:42Z

im home!!!
till june 25th, then back to boston to do coop for 6 months!
i got a pink mini ipod... thanks to someone special!!!!
i cant stop playing with it...
got my final grades back... A, B+, B, B-.... not bad.
i could have gotten atleast 2 A's but i was lazy...
things are going well...
im really happy for once.
summer should be nice... kinda just want to be in boston though
i dont feel like theres much for me here anymore.
except my fam... which is messed up too but ok.
alright. its night time...

happy 4/20 to all you potheads out there....

2005-04-20T13:27:28Z

you just know its gonna be a bad entry when you click the entry box and have NOTHING to type....
i guess its better than having really shitty stuff to type.
so ive completed 3 finals so far. i have one more tomorrow and then im going home fri!
this year went so fast. im already going to be a middler
(for you non-NUers that means im a 3rd year of 5)
my brain seems so fried. im not sure how well studying is gonna go today... let alone packing...
i cant believe im moving out.
it seems like just yesterday i was moving in with 4 girls i had never met and was so scared!
i love my room and ghetto columbus ave... i dont really want to leave :o(....
home will be ok (i hope) its only 2 months so im sure i can keep myself occupied.
i just hate how my birthday is always when im home and no one else is...
well maybe a few people are around
im excited to drive home.
its mo's bday tomorrow-still have to get her a present....
lots to do today.
its my last shift at the shitty info commons!!!! never ever do i have to that shit again.
instead i have to pick up peoples shit and wash them and make sure they dont die...
i cant wait till im an actual RN or CNP...
thats gonna be pretty sweet.
now im just rambling to fill up space.
packing is a bitch.
being hung over is even worse.
its gonna be 85 degrees today... WHAT?! i swear it was just snowing.
alright im getting tired, bye

what doesnt bend... breaks....

2005-04-15T00:11:08Z

i dont feel like studying for my first of 4 finals... i havent felt like doing much school work lately. thats not too good with the week of hell coming up. no more classes for 8 whole months... are to believe. i guess thats why coop is awesome....

i get to go home next fri!!!!! i cant wait to see my mommy and my sister. home always makes me miss people. school people.. boston... college.... but i miss home people too. how things used to be with home people. the internet is a great way to keep up with old people without them knowing. sounds creepy but everyone so does it. everyone checks everyones away messages and facebook profiles allow people to know a person's relationship status. sometimes i just hate how distant ive gotten with people even people from freshman year. i dont know what made me think of this...

ive been really mixed with emotions lately. im torn on waht i should do to make myself happiest. i guess being away from everything for a few months will be good. this is such a waste of time, i should study... my updates are lame. i shouldnt do this anymore.

its sunday! :o(

2005-04-10T23:00:04Z

i have to go back to work in an hour for my second shift.
this weekend went so fast....
it was a really weird weekend, but really good...
saw less than jake and dropkick murphys as spring fest...
im dreading this week... well just tues...
i have my first final on fri... ew....
but i guess im excited to be done with this semester.
have to get some shots on fri too for coop...
i want to quit my job.
today was not a good day...
some people annoy me.
others make me smile...
ok. hopefully mo is back.

its fri day!

2005-04-08T14:01:54Z

its friday, its friday, its friday...

just incase anyone didnt know that its friday...

its alittle colder, alittle grayer, my head hurts alittle more....

but its FRIDAY! yay!

haha back to bed i guess...

it feels like im back where i belong

2005-04-06T06:18:29Z

hhhhhmmmmm alcohol. it makes you act irrational, ridiculous, and weird sometimes. someimtes it gives you to the strength to say things you always wnated to say. or pursue things you wouldnt give a second thought if you were straight. alcohol can be addicting and dange4rous. it can be new, fun, and even energizing. it makes you miss things and wish for things. it makes you hurt in the morning or sometimes even before the stroke of 12. alcohol is a beautiful thing that half the population doesnt experience on a regular basis. this is what college is for. drinking on a random tues night. coming home and your roommates are more wasted when you when you all planned on going to bed early. everything is more intense but pain when you drink. atlesat not during the act. somehow nothings enough though when youre wasted. you always want to do more until your body passes out or you puke. ew. but still alcohol is an intricate part of college. its here to stay. lets all get use to it. and have a drink together. hhhhhhmmmm

just a little drunken though i guess... i have to work tomorrow :o( i need another drink hahaha :o)

orangyskier @ 2005-04-05T10:22:00

2005-04-05T14:26:09Z

so i decided to change everything..... i guess with spring coming and me a not feeling like shit for once i thought itd be nice to change... schools almost out. i cant wait to be on heading home soon. dont really feel like updating. i should study....

i should stop updating at work....

2005-04-04T03:37:25Z

maybe i should stop updating in general until i have something nice or happy to talk about. i guess im better at acting like every things ok when im actually talking to someone. so ive been sick since tues. havent really been taken care of my body and the last few weeks have been rough. such a big work load plus working at the library so much...

i feel like i never see anyone anymore except the girls in my classes (cause there are only girls in the nursing progam... except maybe cliff but he doesnt count) and everyone else i only really see when im shitfaced cause my weeks stress me out so much that i need something on the weekends to be fun and chill. which brings me to the reason i am so sick!

i decided to drink A LOT on thurs for jenn's bday. it was so much fun and jello shots dont hurt going down when your throat hurts... im not sure how many i had before my throat stopped hurting... hahhaha. its really not funny but it kinda is.

saw pamela (my old roommate) last night. just hung out for a bit cause i was too sick to go out and drink. that made me sad. i love partying with that girl. :o( o well theres always the summer.

im starting to get nervous about coop. i have to make sure to get all my immunization shots or collect all my records and such. its starting to sink in how much of a responsibility this is all gonna be. it sounds stupid but i really hope i dont mess it up.

ive been getting really annoyed with everyone lately. its probably jsut me. im so tired of this all. i need just some time away. thres only a week and a half left of classes and all i have is two presentations. one of which i already have finished the powerpoint for and am presenting tomorrow. then 4 finals and im outta here. i cant wait to just be home. even though i got into an argument with my mom. first time in a while we've fought.

havent heard from whit in a while. since i went to vist her the last week in february. it kinda upsets mee that she hasnt returned my calls or sent me the stuff i left there. i dont know. i know if i really needed her shed be there but i just wish i crossed her mind from time to time. i cant wait to be home and visit jess and chill with stef. shes probably going to be the only one around for my bday. which is ok but kinda blows.

im just in such a slump lately. i think i need some new music to listen to or maybe i just need not to be sick. atleast it was warm this weekend. even though i had a fever the entire time so i didnt really get to enjoy it fully... sorry this sucks so much... i dont mean to be so negative.

it just happens sometimes.....

blah (what else is new)... my star people arent convincing....

2005-03-28T13:48:42Z

this morning sucks... being back at school sucks... im really ready for this semester to be over... i need a change in scenery for a while... i want to hung my mommy... i hate this fuckin computer lab taht i devote so much of the time that i dont have to and then they end up fucking up my pay check and saying that i should only get payed 62$ instead of 155$ for 20 hours of work. bullshit! i dont feel like studying. i dont know why i picked up this shift. so much to do but im not in the mood to do it.... that can never be good. putting stuff off is the worse feelin ever and EVERYONE does it. Last clinical thurs. lets up i see another baby be born. took that job at new england medical center. went shopping with mo this weekend. all i could think of was all the stuff i want to buy when i get money... this is boring me....

be happy with the consequences

2005-03-18T15:09:48Z

got a coop job! still have 3 more interviews but if i take it ill be working on a post op organ transplant floor along with patients with vascular disease, diabetes,obesity and some other stuff. what really got me was the nurse manager. she was soooooo amazing and told me id be a perfect fit. :oD i cant tell you how much i needed that interview to go well. ive been really negative lately about everything in my life, and towards everyone. im still not happy with myself, my actions lately, not working as hard as i could. im starting to get really homesick.... but its starting to sink in that were almost done with this semester. i dont want to move out of this apartment. i dont want to not live with my roommates. jennys doing her coop down at disney. shes gonna be gone from august til january. i really hope we keep in contact.

happy late st. pattys day. got wasted off of 2 drinks... if thats not an indication that im exhausted and got a total of 4 hours of sleep in the past 2 days then i dont know what is.... it was fun but we didnt do like anything...

i should nap....

im writing the report on losing and failing....

2005-03-16T16:48:37Z

i jsut need to get through this week....
and next week....
and the week after....
im so overwhelmed....
i feel like crying 3/4s of the time...
theres no escape from things here.
noone understands...
and the ones that try dont know the real me...
i miss being sure of things...
i miss knowing...
i miss home....
im home in a little over a month.
i wish it was today....
going to mo's for easter.
i love her family...
living in west village B next fall.
hope that works out ok...
i have my first interview tomorrow.
im scared.
i jsut want a co-op job to be handed to me...
thats not realistic...
or time to leave work.

do i really feel the way i do....

2005-03-10T03:51:03Z

im waiting for the tylenol PM to kick in.
kinda fucked up my classes first half this semester...
not really too bad. it seems like every semester i know i could have worked harder...
i finally am this week and im exhausted. lets see how long this lasts...
so much has been happening lately....
nothing too life altering. except for seeing a baby being born.
that was pretty cool! i hate this work and i dont know if im gonna make a good nurse but when you go through the clinicals you get so excited to be in the field
i got all of my referrals for co-op. no i just need to call for interviews.
that makes me nervous.
what if i suck out. im not articulate enough.
who knows...

havent talked to my dad in almost 2 months... kinda upset about that but im not sure how to deal with that cause i hated for so long that caring is jsut weird... i just find everything unfair.... whatev

so im not sure whats wrong with me. im the most confusing person in the world. i have this person right in front of me that would do anything for me.... and has done everything. he coulde everything to me but theres somthing missing. i dont know if its me or what the problem is i just cant take that step. im holding unto my past too much. jason goes to kent next week and i havent been able to have one civil conversation with him this week cause i know hes gonna hook up with girls there.... i dont know why im bitter. i just am. i always want to be the most important thing to him... maybe thats jsut cause hes still that important to me. i know im still important to him. it seems like forever btw when we see each other. and i always end up getting upset about something but when he leaves he get this look on his face thats indescribable. it makes me teary everytime cause we know how much could change in the months that follow. im so lame sometimes. i want to be my own person and not need to share my bed with other people. as restless of a sleeper as i am i love sleeping with other people (no not hooking up). just being all tangled... im not sure where all this is going. i should really make my entries private so everyone isnt in my head all the time. especially people that dont deserve to know my thoughts!

this is ridiculous. why arent i sleepy yet.

figuring out my life...

were headed for destruction....

2005-03-02T04:56:18Z

im so lonely....

got back yesterday from visiting whit. i really enjoy her friends. i had such a good time just hanging around. we did nothing much of anything and it was exactly what i needed. sucks that i broke my C necklace. i guess it could have been jasons... which was my next choice to wear... o well...

now im just waiting for andrew to come over and drink with me. hes my only friend left on campus that doesnt have to get up for coop tomorrow... im not sure why i started this entry. i guess i thought itd pass time but i really have nothing to say...

im excited to go to montreal with allison and mo. it should be fun. i hope i have enough cash.. alright andrews here

leading me all around in circles.

2005-02-26T06:32:15Z

ive been so confused this week. im kinda messed up now and i can only think of one thing....

ok thats not true. i want to go home. i want some one to be online to talk to me.... i wish someone was home or here to talk to. the internet sucks like that. it takes so much effort to express how youre feeling especially when youre wasted.

i left my alcohol at liz's... that sucks. probably wont get that till after break.

music is great.

i hate eating greasy food that makes my tummy hurt when im wasted.

i should go to bed.... seeing whit tomorrow. so excited. i wish she wasnt so goddamn busy and have lax everyday. i wish i was going somewhere warm. i wish christa was going to montreal with us. ok im spent

yay sue it home! play time!

weve been drinking and it doesnt get me anywhere

2005-02-16T15:40:20Z

'i want to hang onto something that wont break away or fall apart...'

do you ever have those days where you wake up and wonder what the hell youre doin with your life....
im only 19...
20 in less than 3 months.
today i woke and all i could think about was how i had to get to work on time...
i ended up being 5 min late.
i just want it to be tomorrow...
i told myself i just have to make it till thurs after clinical.
that seems to be more of a challenge than i thought...
who even knows if after thurs everything will be better.
im nervous theyll be a lot worse.
i just feel so anxious lately.
valentines day was weird....
first time in 5 years i wasnt with jason.
it was fun chilling with my roommates and heeby but it was just weird.
i felt like it was a fri and we were just partying like usual.
its weird to think about how things change.
should of gone to the beanpot game with dave.
maybe we would have won...
going out for al's bday tonight.
even though i dont have the cash for it
damn having to look nice when you go on job interviews and paying too much $$$ for a nice suit
boo to growing up and having to buy all my own shit
sucks that checks from mom are far and few btw...
i cant wait till coop though, making LOTS of $$$$$$$!!!!
im nervous though, i dont have a number 1 choice where i want to work.
i guess i won tbe dissappointed if i dont get a job then.
damn i have to get my reference list together
i hate calling people and asking them to say nice things about me.
ill get around to it sometime....
i should get back to studying.
im so bored with my life lately...

my hands around your throat, and i think i hate you.....

2005-02-12T00:42:57Z

at work (where else do i update this stupid piece of shit)
not in the best mood. ill admit it... PMS is a bad bad thing!
came really close to skipping class today.good thing i didnt...
got extra points on my micro test (but i kicked ass on it even without them:o)
almost called into work sick....
michelle was joking about going "shot for shot" at 330 in the afternoon
the sad thing was i was actually consider it.
talked to my mom for 2 hours today.
she sounded so good. i miss her so much
i realized that when i come back to school for co-op on june 26th
that might be the last time till christmas i get to see her or my family.
my dad is suppose to come to boston this summer :o(
ive jsut been upset with him lately.
im finally over him cheating on my mom and him leaving us and starting a new family....
ever since my mom has gotten sick though ive had this feeling that i really want him in my life
i still feel like its not my 'job' to call him up.
why doesnt he care when he talks to me?
i just feel so unimportant to him... and jealously to his 6 year old son.
last night i watched a movie,
at the end the dad reunited with his son that he wasnt on speaking terms with...
i actually got a tear in my eye and all i could think about was why cant my dad to be there for me
hes jsut living the perfect little life out in san diego
we go weeks to a month and a half without talking
he always seems to call in transit or at the most inconvient times.
i feel like i have no one to talk to about this...
i tried to talking to my mom
shes always been really good at listening even though i know she wishes id hate him
shes always wanted him to be in our lives more and she was never really a "basher"
i dont know.
im just in a sensitive mood today.
maybe i shouldnt drink tonight.
i was told the other night for the second time that i drink for the wrong reasons...
i didnt want to argue with this person, as i didnt argue with the last one that told me that...
i just dont know how to react when someone tells you that.
i really dont drink that much. i guess when i do i can go overboard.
but dont all college kids?
i havent been the happiest person lately
ive been working so much and going to class like crazy.
i feel overwhelmed but im just not very good at time management
i got my stethoscope in the mail the other day.
its pretty light metallic blue. all nurses should be jealous
got to spend most of my clinical on thurs in the nursery.
being around little babies that are literally hours old is absolutely amazing
i rocked a little girl to sleep yesterday.
when her mom came to get her i aske what her name was and she said caitlin :oD
of course she spelt it K-a-i-t-l-Y-n.
i didnt tell the mom that was completely wrong.
haha
ive been going by cait a lot more this year
i like it a lot.... maybe it makes me think of my family or really close friends
alright, my hands are really cold
im going.
peace

haha

2005-02-08T21:38:56Z

sometimes i read back through my jounral entries and realize how lame i can be at times and it makes me laugh...

went to the beanpot hockey tournament last night. it was a good time and NU won again harvard. me and dave were so wasted. im surprise we even got to the fleet center. haha. it was a good time. busy week and weekend coming up... once i get through the week and write my 2 papers ill be set.

people that are loud and rude and think they are more important than everyone else when they have problems suck! bitch about shit in your own fucking apt. im not just gonna let the incidents of today go. girls are so shitty sometimes...

haha heres another lame entry... whatev!

ps. i love my roommates :o)

ive got nothing to do today but smile.....

2005-02-02T16:12:28Z

ive been updating a lot lately. i guess thats what happens when you work at a lame ass job where you can sit in front of a comp for 2-4 hours. not to mention ive been working 20 hours a week (which doesnt seem like a lot but with my schedule it is...).

how bad is it that i get bitter and really sad when i look at peoples profiles on facebook and see that theyve changed their "relationship status" to "in a relationship". i swear like 5 profiles i looked at this morning indicated that these people were in relationships that i didnt know about. why am i so bitter about other people's happiness. i guess its jsut the jealousy inside me. everyones just getting out of that freshman year "single" mentallity and starting to settle down. id like to have a bf or even that person that i care more about more than myself. i had that once maybe ill happen again if i stop complaining about it and getting mad at people who are gf/bf....

this is the first february/ valentines day in 5 years that im not with jason on valentines day. not only with in the dating term but i mean actually physically standing with, holding hands, going out... last year he came to visit for vday. it was an awesome weekend. i remember how much i cried when he kissed me the last time in south station before he got on the train.

whatev. that was almost a year ago and everything has changed. ive grown up a lot and so has he. im sure we'll always love each other but i guess things are better this way...yet sometimes when stupid holidays or events come around i get girly and have pity parties for myself. haha which is funny but kinda sad when i think about it... haha

screw this entry.

its sunny out!! :o) i have one more hour at work. im going to a sex toy party at sue al jen and saras. totally psyched for that even though i probably wont get anything. it should be funny though not to mention getting tipsy and eating jens cake!!! i know youre all jealous.

ok im out

ps... random phone calls from people that i havent heard from in awhile are always fun and make me feel special ;o)